


memento mori

by astrolatryy



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Nightmares, is it a nightmare if you're seeing something that really happened?, renee sobbing into natalie's chest at 4 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:06:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25763377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrolatryy/pseuds/astrolatryy
Summary: memento mori [latin] - remember you must dieRenee dreams of the Void when she sleeps, and of other dimensions. One night, she wakes up after seeing Natalie die in her arms.
Relationships: Wattson | Natalie Paquette/Wraith | Renee Blasey
Comments: 3
Kudos: 95





	memento mori

Sorrow hits her all at once. Aching, grieving sorrow, the type that makes her heart almost physically hurt—a sob flutters out of Renee's throat as she opens her eyes, trembling.  
  
_She's bleeding out—Nat is dying, and there's nothing she can do but_ **_watch—_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **** Her shaking hands scrabble at the covers as she turns, desperate to see—is Natalie alright? Is she—  
  
—Natalie is there, beside her, chest rising and falling gently in her sleep. Her hair is messy and strewn about her head like a golden halo. With her eyes closed like this, she looks to be the very picture of peace; like an angel.  
  
Renee's vision blurs through tears. She reaches out with one unsteady hand, unsure if she's real. She should be, right…? She was dreaming… right…?  
  
_She's dead, she's dead, nothing will bring her back—the other her howls with the kind of pain that only heartbreak can bring. The scene before her feels all too real._  
  
The _relief_ she feels when her hand closes around Natalie's own is tangible. The feeling rises up through her throat in a sigh as she lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding, shoulders relaxing.  
  
Natalie stirs at the touch. "...Renee…?" she murmurs, eyes not quite open—still sleepy.  
  
_"Renee…" she murmurs through the blood in her mouth, eyes not quite open._ _  
_ _  
_ Grief hits her like a knife to the chest, sudden and abrupt and without warning. Renee gasps through the sudden onslaught of fresh tears—oh, she's here, she's here and alive and still breathing, but she knows in another universe that was far from the case, and, and—  
  
The sound of her sobs startle Natalie the rest of the way awake. Her eyes widen, tone laced with softness. "Oh, Renee—come here, _ma chéri.."_ _  
_ _  
_ Natalie shifts herself forward in the bed, wrapping her arms around Renee. Her face twists with tears at the touch; so solid and soft and real. This is _real_ . She is real, and here, and… safe—  
  
—oh, she's _safe_ , she's not dead, she's alive, she's right here, right here and present and safe and she can barely think through the panicked, relieved tears that threaten to choke her with their presence—  
  
—Renee finds herself curling her arms around her lover with all the tightness she dares muster, clinging to Natalie like a lifeline. She buries her face in her chest and _weeps._ _  
_ _  
_ "Did you have a nightmare, Renee?" Natalie murmurs, looking down at her with concern in her sweet blue eyes, one hand tracing through her hair.  
  
How does she tell her? How does she explain ' _I dreamt of you, and it was real'_ ?  
  
How does she put this pain into words? The ache in her chest that won't let up despite Natalie's touch, soft with love; how does she tell her that even though she's relieved she's alive and _here_ with her, part of her only hurts worse at the sound of her voice, because suddenly she's all too aware that one day she will never hear that voice again?  
  
_There is aching, longing fear in her eyes. The look in them says 'I don't want to go'—the hand in hers says 'I will love you to my last breath.'_ _  
_ _  
_ Renee makes an undignified and painful sound in her throat that could be constituted as a sob. She knows she's getting Natalie's shirt wet with tears, but—oh, she can't speak through the pain. She can't speak through the grief of losing someone she never lost. She can't stop _crying_ .  
  
Natalie doesn't press when she doesn't respond; all she does is hold her closer, arms curling around her. Renee can't express how grateful she is for the touch, the proof that in the moment she is here and real and _alive_ —the proof that oh, thank God, _she is not alone_ . For now, Natalie is not dead… and that might just be enough for the moment.  
  
Even if memories of that _dream_ keep playing behind her eyes; the dream (not a dream, not a dream), that to some version of her out there, is all too real.  
  
_Bullet holes from the spray of an R99 pepper Natalie's side, blood spilling freely onto the ground with nothing to staunch it. The red stains are so stark against the orange of her suit—_ _  
_ _  
_ She shudders and curls deeper into her embrace, crying silently.  
  
It takes a while before the tears ease up. Before that raw, fresh grief begins to fade—however slightly. Natalie is there all the while, running her hand through her hair, humming underneath her breath and holding her close. Renee leans into her touch and thinks that she's lucky to have met her at all.  
  
In another universe, who knows if their paths would have ever crossed…?  
  
She sniffles, looking up at Natalie. Her chest aches from crying.  
  
Natalie cups her cheek and kisses her on the forehead in response; her touch is so soft and light, soothing in a way that makes her heart flutter. Oh, she loves her…  
  
"How are you feeling?" she asks.  
  
It still feels like someone has taken hold of her heart and is trying to drag it out of her chest, the pain of loss so sharp and clear—but it's in the background, mixed with the hope and love brought by the sight of her girlfriend, of the sight of all that _care_ in her eyes. Her arms are still around her, and Renee is still holding her tight in response, and Natalie is _there_ and that makes it…  
  
"...Better," she murmurs, stroking a hand over her back.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Natalie asks.  
  
Renee hesitates. Part of her screams to; part of her just wants to open her mouth and let the words all spill out. Part of her is so, so tired of going through pain alone—part of her just wants the woman who's cradling her in her arms to know why she's hurting.  
  
But—does she want to put that knowledge onto her? Does she want to tell her— _I see other dimensions when I sleep—_ does she want to tell her that in another world, she died in her arms?  
  
...she thinks Natalie deserves to know.  
  
"I—" she begins, but the words get lost in her throat.  
  
_She always thought she looked like an angel with her eyes closed. Even now, resting on the forest loam, the blood spattered across the ground seems so much like a broken wing._ _  
_ _  
_ _'Sometimes the power goes out, and never comes back on.'_  
  
She shudders and rests her forehead on Natalie's chest. Her voice feels so quiet, even in the silence of their bedroom, as she murmurs, "I saw you die. _"_  
  
Natalie's hand pauses in her hair. " _Quoi?"_ _  
_ _  
_ "I—I saw…" she repeats, trailing off. "...you bled out in my arms."  
  
The movement of the hand in her hair resumes, but there's something softer about the way Natalie strokes a hand through it—something tighter in the way she holds her. "That doesn't sound much like a nightmare," she says.  
  
Renee shakes her head. _A Kraber shot flies over her other self's head. The sound is powerful, booming and rolling like thunder; if it had hit, it would have killed her too. She knows she has to_ **_move_ ** _—and, yet, she can't bring herself to leave the body behind._ _  
_ _  
_ _Her soft blue eyes are still open, but the light in them has long since left; and, yet, she can't stop staring into them, as if maybe, just maybe, if she looks long enough, it'll come back._ _  
_ _  
_ _But it won't._ _  
_ _  
_ She grasps desperately for Natalie's hand, the memory leaving her shaking and hurt—tears threatening to spill over once more.  
  
It wasn't a nightmare. It was never a nightmare. "...it was worse."  
  
She's made it a habit to keep the things she sees close to her chest. She tries to preserve the mystery of the Void as best she can—phase tech should be something rare, something reserved to the military, not something people should try to tinker with in their homes. It feels both strange and so incredibly _relieving_ to just… let it out. To sob into Natalie's chest, to know she's right here, listening quietly to every word she says.  
  
"...what else did you see?" Natalie asks, hesitant—yet softly worried.  
  
Renee's throat goes tight. She swallows—takes a breath. "I think… we were being hunted."  
  
_She watches men in IMC uniforms spread out along the forest's edge. "_ **_They're all around you_ ** _," she murmurs into thin air, knowing her other self will hear._ _  
_ _  
_ "One of them sprayed you with an R99. It… hit something vital."  
  
Natalie shifts—sits up, pulls her into her lap. Renee pauses to curl up in her arms, resting her head on her shoulder, placing one hand on her chest.  
  
She's always felt safe in her arms. But—but when the time came, she couldn't keep _her_ safe. No matter how hard she tried… no matter how close she kept her, in the end...  
  
...all it took was one press of a trigger and a lucky shot.  
  
"I—you…" Her words are beginning to fail her again, caught up in the memory of the moment. "You held my hand…"  
  
_Her grip weakens; her hand falls to the ground, landing on the forest floor with a dull_ **_thunk_ ** _._ _  
_ _  
_ She didn't let go until the end.  
  
Renee closes her eyes, shuddering. Tears drip down her face; she sees those lifeless eyes in the nothingness of her vision, and has to open them again to make sure Natalie's still there.  
  
Natalie strokes a thumb beneath one of her eyes; it comes away wet, and there's something sad and understanding in her own expression. "Have you ever lost someone before, Renee?"  
  
She shakes her head. Nobody that she remembers—and anyone she might have known before the Void is gone, dead or thinking she's dead, a whole dimension's worth between where she is now.  
  
"I'm not good at emotions," Natalie says. "When Papa died, I could hardly deal with it. It felt like…"  
  
She pauses, searching for a metaphor. "...a break in my circuit. Like anything I tried to do would always be interrupted by this insulated place that took up all the space for wiring. All I could think of was my Papa, and his absence."  
  
She smiles sadly at the memory. "Even though I had always dreamed of silence, whenever it was quiet, it felt like that break would grow. It felt like it would swallow me whole."  
  
Renee understands that; understands it from long, sleepless nights where all she can hear is the wind of the Void howling in the back of her mind, with not even a voice to break it. Quiet lets things creep in.  
  
Natalie pauses again—this time, to look into Renee's eyes. The smile on her face is hopeful, now; small and soft and reassuring. "But it got... better. Ajay, Makoa, Anita… even Dr. Caustic, in his own way, they helped. Spending time with them helped heal the break."  
  
She strokes a thumb over Renee's cheek. "...and you. Even though you kept to yourself, you seemed to understand what it was like to… to hurt that badly."  
  
She does. Oh, god, she does.  
  
Something seems to come to Natalie—she blinks and blushes, eyes widening. After a moment, she murmurs, "...you're very pretty, too. _Comme une déesse._ "  
  
Renee laughs, softly, two fingers over her mouth to conceal her love-struck smile. It doesn't work, of course, but that wasn't really the point.  
  
"I don't think the break my Papa left when he died will ever fully connect again," Natalie says, gesturing to herself. There's something wistful in her eyes; something bittersweet and hopeful. "But… life moved on. I found new family."   
  
She pauses, then breaks into a smile. "I found a girlfriend."  
  
Renee can't stop herself from smiling, too, even past the tears in her eyes.  
  
"I think… even though it still hurts, it gets easier every day," Natalie says. "It takes some time, but one day… you'll wake up, and you'll realize you're okay."  
  
They fall silent, for a moment; Natalie to continue to hold Renee against her chest and run a hand through her hair, Renee to think about what Natalie has said.  
  
The thought of losing her still _hurts_ —hurts more than she could put into words, because, oh, she loves this woman so much. She loves the way her eyes shine with excitement whenever she's curious about something, she loves the way her hair catches the sunlight, golden and perfect, she loves the dimples of her cheeks when she smiles—she loves Natalie for a thousand things and more, and the grief still aching in her chest makes that love feel _desperate._ Like she's clawing just to hold on to her.  
  
But… the thought of her _understanding_ that grief, maybe even more than Renee does herself, because she might have seen a hundred different possibilities of those she knows dying in front of her but she's never had to live with it herself, makes her feel less alone. Less like she's drowning in the feeling.  
  
And the thought that even in the worst-case scenario, it won't be the end of the world—it… helps. More than she expected.  
  
"And..." Natalie begins. Renee looks back at her; blinks and shifts a little when she's met with an unexpected boop on the nose. A laugh of surprise escapes her. "I'll be around for a while, if I can help it. No one's going to get rid of my spark that easily."  
  
"Do you promise?" Renee asks, her hand finding its way into hers.  
  
Natalie leans forward and kisses her. A spark arcs between their lips as she pulls away—neither can tell who caused it. Neither mind.  
  
"Promise."  
  



End file.
